I just realized that in doing what I am doing with the 50B450, I have the beginnings of a memoir. If I document and date some of my experiences over the next 5.5 years, I will be able to compile them, edit them and call it a memoir. I may even get it bound. I'm patting myself on the back. Good thinking, Long. Good thinking.
8/14/16 I do wish I were the kind of writer that someone would discover and want to make my blog into a book. Then of course it would have to be made into a movie and they would cast me as someone like Holly Hunter. I finished watching Parenthood yesterday and you would think I was on my period with how much I ended up crying. I know the show was at times cheesy because life doesn't always end with a home run, but so much of the show reminded me how short life is and that I need to cherish each moment, focus on the people who mean so much to me, stop worrying about what I look like and if somebody thinks I'm fat, spend more time with people rather than alone, just live passionately and embrace all my emotions. Also, my college boyfriend has cancer and that has me thinking as well. You never think it can happen to you until it knocks on your door. And Mena last night was making all these strange sounds like she was hurting and she wanted to sleep by my bed, then David's bed. Reminded me she is not long for this world and I need to be prepared for when her time comes. More importantly, I need to be prepared when my time comes. Life to the fullest every day!
11/28/16 I've been watching the Gilmore Girls seasons episodes and the first two were a bit on the cheesy side, but this one I liked. Lauralei is going through a come to Jesus moment where she realizes some things in her life need to change. She listens to a song Taylor wrote for this awful Stars Hollow musical and finds it actually touches her soul. It's never or now. Do I have any never or nows? I guess that is what this whole 50 Before 50 thing is about. Oh, I could do a lot of these after I'm 50, but they are my never or nows. I may never get around to them if I don't just, well Do It. Oh, to be wearing a pair of Nikes to commemorate this epiphany.
2/9/17 I could just use my blog here as the memoir, but there is nowhere else to write my brilliance down but in #9 so here goes. Recently, my precious teenage son has decided it is way more important to chitty chat chat at school and get on youtube and search up ridiculous memes on the internet than it is to get his work done. Now if he weren't capable or just dumb, I wouldn't have a problem with that because he would be doing his best, but it is nowhere near his best. I was hoping that dangling the carrot of video games in front of his face, but that is not doing the trick. I was wracking my brain on how I could punish him because I am just tired of the carrots. At this point, he doesn't deserve a stinking carrot. Here is what I came up with...1. No phone. 2 Have to take your lunch to school. 3. I attend your study hall with you to make sure your working and not being distracted by your friends (basically, I want to embarrass the crap out of him). 4. Wake up at 6 am to do homework. 5. Your bedroom door removed. 6. Your food choices at home limited to what you are given (namely lots of vegetables, which may end up looking like starvation, but whatever). 7. Can't be left home alone. Have to go with mommy everywhere. 8. Cancel School of Rock. 9. No friends spend the night or you spend the night. 10. Clean the garage on weekend. 11. Extra yard work including poop scooping on the weekend. 12. No extra activities. I'm sure there are others, but those are the one's I could think of. I also thought of limiting his wardrobe or choosing his clothes for him. Ha! I could limit him to a 10 minute shower. That would be painful.
2/26/2017 I am always harping on the boys about brushing their teeth and I recently set up a cleaning appointment because we had missed the last one in the insurance transition. I'm even making them floss, which nobody really likes to do. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt I am a better and more consistent brusher than either of them. I often let them know they will be paying for any crazy dental work due to their lack of oral hygiene. The last couple of days I have had a pain in the top left side of my back teeth. I am foolishly hoping it is a sinus issue that I am just feeling in my teeth, but I think it might be a cavity. Now I am plotting how I can get out of the dentist without the boys knowing I have to come back to get further work done. Good grief, I jump through a lot of hoops as a parent.
9/9/17 Totally hard to keep up with remembering things when you are moving. Plus, my work laptop is my only computer and sometimes it feels weird using it to write out my blog even though it is the weekend. I think I feel better when I'm doing it though. I feel more purposeful. I listened to a book on the way to get the boys and the dogs to take them back to Washington. It was a Deepak Chopra book on leadership. It was interesting to hear an Indian philosophy on leadership...one that is influenced by Hinduism and concepts I hear in yoga. There are not ideals I readily transfer to leadership. Anyway, one of the exercises he has you do is to answer all the questions about your purpose in life and as I am writing down my answers going 75 miles an hour through the flat lands of Kansas, I came up with a pretty good purpose or maybe it was a mission. Difficult to focus going that fast and using a pen and paper. Basically, my mission is to cherish and empower my family. Did not feel like doing either of those today. In fact, my desire today was to hide from them and watch senseless. It was a messy day where I had to apologize and course correct and not get mad for being the only one in my family who seems to see someone else's needs and try to take care of them. Truth is each of my family members did that today in their own way. It is amazing how when I focus on one thing they didn't see or do or typically don't see or do, how angry and resentful I can get. It is pretty stupid actually. It is the woman who expects everyone to just understand her without any explanation. Some of the great things I noticed today was... Kaleb helped me with the groceries without being asked. Jeremy held my hand at the table and in the car and put his arm around me at the school of rock event. David did a total about face on his attitude when I told him I was sorry for being cranky with him. He washed his sheets and comforter without being asked. Kaleb took care of his chores and some of David's without prompting. David made me belly laugh with his crazy dances. Jeremy worked hard on putting together a base for the hot tub and went with me to buy the ribs for tomorrow. It's been a great day.
10/23/17 Found this list in my Personal Drive folder. Thought it was fitting to put in #9...
What I want people to say about me at my funeral:
Lived every day to the fullest
Had goals and worked toward them
Treated people with respect
Built relationships
Made priorities
Spoke the truth
Was adventurous
Forgave willingly
Was deliberate
Made mistakes
Owned mistakes
Had good judgment
Was not judgmental
Needed others
Liked to try new things
Was silly
Loved to make people laugh
Was selectively organized
Created boundaries rather than barriers
Constantly learned
Wanted to move forward rather than stay put
Loved to travel
Enjoyed music
Was real
Made people feel important
Found her soul mate
Pushed through her self-doubt
Listened well
Could lead but enjoyed being led
Was aware of her surroundings
Was curious
Not afraid to call someone on the carpet
Worked to mark things off of a bucket list
Didn’t waste precious time on unimportant things
Was fully present
Told people how important they were
Worked hard
Loved passionately
11/22/17 I am reminded all too often lately how fleeting life is. Today Mena reminded me again just how quickly it all passes by. And why some things should just not matter. I wish I could remember that when I am squabbling with my Mom over something of no value whatsoever. Mena has not been doing well the last month. She goes back and forth with seemingly being fine to all of a sudden yelping in pain and not wanting to eat, drink or move. Today was the third time I expected to find my dog's lifeless form. In fact, I thought I had because she crawled under the bed in the downstairs guest room and when I went to check on her she did not respond to my prodding. And I was prodding hard. I even pinched her pretty hard too. Not a wag. Not a flinch. Nothing. Part of me was almost relieved because I thought she wouldn't be in pain anymore. It is so difficult to know when too much is too much for a dog.
We are not calling it quits yet. I got her some arthritis medicine today at the vet and I've given her two doses. She actually went outside and she even ate and drank some. I got nose to nose with her earlier and just petted her over and over and told her thank you for so many things. Thank you for being loyal. Thank you for being sweet to us. Thank you for being protective. Thank you for being low maintenance. Thank you for always coming back home after you have frolicked around the neighborhood. Thank you for being quirky and wanting to sleep in the trunk of the car. Thank you for loving to go for a ride. Thank you for accepting Chachi. Thank you for wanting to be close to us. Thank you for just being a constant in our lives, for giving us someone to care for outside of ourselves. Thank you most for your love and friendship.
11/23/17 Had a wonderful day today other than the fact that I ate even when I wasn't hungry. We played dominoes and cranium and watched The Bucket List and War Games and cooked together and ate together and just had a fun day. It was a no electronics unless it was corporate electronics day. Well, until about 9:30 and I called an audible on that one and let the kids do their own thing and who am I kidding, all of the adults as well. Very thankful for my family and their willingness to play and have fun together.
11/26/17 It's hard being a mom sometimes. Not because David is difficult, but because it is hard to make decisions sometimes. It is hard to balance wanting to help and wanting him to fly on his own. I think he likes it here in Washington, but I think he needs to make some friends. He needs to solidify some relationships. And at this point, he is spending too much time watching TV and playing video games. He had a fast friend at the beginning of the year, but then something happened, maybe with a girl liking David rather than his friend and after that he doesn't talk with this friend much anymore. My thought is to force him to join a real club at school and I am going to send him to church tomorrow evening. I so hope there are some kids he knows or maybe just another kid who seems to be a bit of a loner or one that just needs a friend like I did in high school. David could be somebody's Nicky. I think I will tell him that story. Maybe it will boost his confidence. And that is an interesting thing too. He walks the tightrope of having confidence and being hesitant. There are so many things about him that amaze me. I think I was so not confident as a kid that his happy-go-lucky attitude in life impresses me. I just love him and want so much for him. I want good friends, fun and safe or mostly safe experiences and a seed of desire for growth or at least a direction.
12/2/17 What is it I really do in this life? What is it I am really good for or good at? Who really cares? I think I am in my Ecclesiastes phase at present.I keep seeing after a purpose and when I think I have zeroed in on it, it seems to de-materialize in front of my face. I'm left waving my hands in the air as if grabbing onto a ghost I thought was a real person. Live, learn, labor, lead and love. Empower and Cherish. These are examples of very good short messages I can recite to myself in times of confusion and futility that give me a sense of direction, but somehow I end up back in this space. I end up wondering what it's all about. I end up thinking I am wasting my time. Honestly, I'm not sure anything short of Mother Theresahood would satisfy me when I get like this. It is not enough to be a mother who loves her son. My mom loves me so very much, but there were plenty of decisions she made resulting in negative experiences for me. She told herself I needed a father and that is why she married my step-dad, but in reality that was a good excuse to have a man take care of her financially and have a warm body in the bed beside her. We all make choices and decisions and I have done my best to cut those I love around me some slack and that includes me. I have made plenty of decisions that benefited me rather than my child. So I have not always been a good mother. So we can strike that from the list. What list? You ask. Hell if I know. I am always coming up with a new list and what the hell is that all about anyway. How important is that? It isn't. So I can make a list and cross things off of it, but does that really make a difference? I can cross things off this 50 before 50 list, but it doesn't mean I am actually living. It doesn't prove a life well lived. So what does? Leaving a legacy? Very few people do that. Now you can say that my grammy left a legacy with me and I have passed her joie de vivre down to my child and in a way that is a legacy, but most look at a legacy as being remembered. The sad truth of it is, I won't be remembered by anyone past my own child or maybe his children if I am lucky. The realization has been there for quite some time, but I choose to ignore it and go on watching meaningless TV and youtube and arguing about issues that seem important, but really aren't because I have no real control. I think this is all because I feel fat. Yep, that's right. All of these thoughts are bubbling up to the top because I have put on weight and feel directionless or unable to change something as simple as my own body. Feeling out of control is demoralizing and quite frankly scary. However, I did just complete a duathlon which was no small feat so I am not helpless or hopeless. I so wish one of my lists full of check-boxes would bring inner peace and it never does. It only brings another list. Maybe that is the point. I bet on my dying day, I will make a list. Why? because organizing something makes me happy. I knew it from the first time I watched Mr. Rogers organize his trinkets in a little box. What is he doing? He is setting things aside that are alike. That somehow makes me feel settled and calm. It makes me feel purposeful. So bring on all the damn lists. Here is one now.
Things I like/enjoy
Drinking soda
Eating chocolate
Watching TV
Getting up early but not too early
Putting things in order
Being thin
Exercise after I am finished
Spending time with David
Spending time with Jeremy
Spending time by myself
Solving a problem
Working a puzzle
Eating dinner with my family
Learning something new
Laughing with friends
Having an intellectual conversation
Hosting a party
Teaching something
Questioning why
Being surrounded by trees
Crossing things off a list
Baking
Listening to books
The Great British Baking Show
Having the dogs close by
A mostly clean house
11/16/18 I just read through the list of things I want people to say about me when I die and the one that hit me as not ringing true what the one about not wasting precious time on unimportant things. This whole project could probably be unimportant. Sometimes I feel unimportant. Sometimes everything seems unimportant when my things are just not right in my world. I turn 47 in a couple of weeks. Where has the time gone?